Rest assured that the Apple doom train continues to chug along whether you choose to ride it or it ever stops at Cupertino or not.

Writing for Gizmodo, Rhett Jones says “Apple Is Blowing It.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Bart.)

“Blowing what?” you may ask. Let The Macalope assure you it is blowing all the things. Let us hasten to the enumeration of the blowings, for there are many blowings to be enumerated and we would not want to leave a single blowing behind.

The Apple’s starting to fall far from the tree

Translation: I am driving to the outskirts of town to buy these incorrectly-used Apple metaphors from Dirty Ray’s Misplaced Metaphor Market and Vape Shop.

On Tuesday, Apple will report its first-quarter earnings, and financial analysts are expecting dire results.

Apple’s second-best quarter ever is “dire.” That’s a… uh… that is… um… a thing you can apparently say on the internet. And not burst into flames.

As it turned out, the company beat estimates and its revised forecast (which, duh). Its shares are up more than 15 points since it announced its results.

Virtually every facet of Apple’s reputation for innovation, quality, and desirability has been tarnished in one way or another.

What’s the reverse of fanfic? Whatever that is, this is it.

And at a moment when it appeared to be building its brand as the choice for privacy, it’s suddenly found itself embroiled in an embarrassing privacy scandal.

Jones, who apparently cannot tell the difference between a bug and willful attempts to subvert privacy, is referring to the Group FaceTime bug in iOS 12.